The CSI: Miami season premiere is ridiculous

CSI: Miami

For those of you who don’t watch this show, CSI: Miami is now in its 5th season and over the course of 5 years, it has grown more preposterous with each episode. I just finished watching the season premiere and this season is by far the most ludicrous and laughable. The man who makes this possible is David Caruso who plays Horatio Caine. Here are 5 scenes from the season premiere which solidifies it as the most unintentionally idiotic/hilarious program on television.

1. Rock music plays as Antonio looks at Horatio from across the street. After a bus passes by, he stares in disbelief as Horatio seems to have vanished into thin air. He’s gonna get you Antonio and you won’t see it coming.

2. Horatio dramatically kneeling down underneath the humongous statue of Jesus Christ in Brazil. Dramatic kneeling. That’s a new one.

3. Horatio speaks in his trademark dramatic way as his brother dies in front of him. William Shatner would be proud.

4. Horatio standing around aimlessly as Delco swings at Brazilians in scooters with a stick. Apparently, Brazilian thugs circle around you in scooters and brandish weapons at you, but they don’t attack…they just circle.

5. Horatio in a knife fight. You have to see it. I could describe him as a retarded monkey, but that would make it sound cooler than it is. He still tilts his head to one side and still gives a dramatic one-liner as he stabs some guy to death.

  • anonymoustroll

    …I always thought that it was kind’of peculiar that the lead investigator Horatio Caine is about as Floridian as… oh jesus… let’s just say “He’s not from around there”. I think, as an actor, David Caruso may have mastered the rebirth of the under appreciated Captain Kirk monologue technique of dialogue. Karuso does “dark and moody” like a strobe light… dark most of the time, then you get blinded while staring intently at the darkness wondering if it’s drama or just bad writing.

    …then there’s Calleigh Duquesne who’s just got this insane Nancy Grace with a gun vibe about here… except only slightly less annoying. I see her mouth moving and I hear sounds, but all I’m thinking is “christ, I’d like to see her naked”. Does anyone know if she did any early Pr0n?

    The whole Speedle/Wolfe/next snobby white guy vs. Delko racial tension thing is both old and boring. Delko needs to cop a way bigger attitude and they need to get rid of the white guy characters using EEO letter of dismissal instead of having them shot (but, hey I understand how it plays into the psyche of the viewers).

    Alexx Woods has that “queen of the dead vibe” going for her, but not much else. She could be easily replaced by an animatronic enabled Real Doll(tm) that did nothing but talk to the dead wheeled through the set each episode.

    The gruff talking good-old-boy beat cop in a cheep suit was the closest thing the show had to “street cred.” I could never figure out when he kept his spit cup, though…

    Frankly, I think that CSI: Miami is a sales pitch to convince everyone north of the mason-dixon line that Florida is an ideal retirement location (and like all advertising the central idea is based on a bold-faced, straight-up lie).

  • Ripley

    Leather coats in Miami?LOL

  • B

    We have turned CSI Miami (CSI Horatio) into a drinking game – in fact, I’m a little buzzed right now from watching repeats on A&E. Drink everytime something ridiculous happens. It’s something akin to the “Roxanne” drinking game.

    The knife fight in the premier is my number one favorite Horatio moment, closely followed by the moment he sniper shoots the semi carrying the nuclear bomb narrowly saving Miami from total and utter destruction.

  • rebel lady

    I am a devoted fan of CSI Miami…… and such degrading comments as those I just read about the Season Premiere of 9/06….. are way out in left field. There are by far more fans of CSI… than people who do NOT like it. And to those who do not like it or David Caruso/Horation Caine… I say…. PLEASE DO NOT WATCH IT, as it most likely is too technologically advanced for you to ever comprehend. :) And I doubt you would know good acting when you see it!

  • Great comment. That’s exactly what I thought too! Can you say “Jumped the shark”?

  • kaylee ireland

    i think CSI: Miami is a lot better then CSI: NY. Horatio is brilliant and so are the team there’s more life in miami.

    ps. does anyone no were you can send fan mail to cast of CSI: Miami
    thanks from kaylee in Ireland

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