Orlando Bloom crashes, dating Jessica Simpson

Orlando Bloom dating Jessica Simpson is the headline making the rounds today. OK! Magazine reports the two secretly arrived together at the Hennessy Artistry event on Wednesday.

“They slipped in a little after 8 p.m. and remained backstage for roughly 20 minutes before leaving together,” an eyewitness tells OK!.

Sounds like me and my penis on a Friday night. Zing! Jessica and Orlando are said to be keeping their relationship out of the spotlight because “it’s all new to them.” Ya think? This is the first time Orlando is dating someone with a bigger rack than him and this is Jessica’s first time dating a 13-year-old boy. Trying new things is always so exciting or so says my 45-year-old unmarried neighbor when he puts his arm around me.

Meanwhile, on Thursday, Bloom was involved in an accident with one person sustaining minor injuries when his Toyota Matrix crashed into a parked Porsche. Earlier that night, TMZ caught a possibly inebriated Bloom hopping in a stranger’s car after leaving Green Door and arguing with him over his wife. The stranger’s wife was kind of hot and I think the guy was about to drunk drive home. Thank god the thousands of people standing around didn’t ask him if he was okay to drive because then I wouldn’t have the chance to seduce his soon to be widow with my amazing charm which is basically me bringing over a personal pan pizza and condoms. Also, thank god the paparazzi didn’t ask the girl driving Orlando home if she was okay after she tried to start an already running car and instead, opted to stand there and comment, “This is not going to be good.” The guy must be a psychic. Creepy.

Update: TMZ says they have video of Orlando trying to walk away after the crash. Paparazzi told him to go back and deal with it, which he did. One girl in the car fractured her neck and another was cut by her seat belt. Police say Orlando was not under the influence. The accident was caused by another car cutting them off.