It’s a miracle Michael Jackson didn’t die sooner

The full coroner’s report on Michael Jackson’s death has been released and it confirms suspicions that, among other things, Michael was bald and emaciated. The report says Jackson’s hair was “sparse and connected to a wig”, his hairline was tattooed on, he had tattooed eyebrows and lips, he weight only 136 pounds and was 5’9” which could indicate anorexia and at the time of his death, Jackson suffered from “chronic lung inflammation, respiratory bronchiolitis, diffuse congestion and patchy hemorrhage of right and left lungs.”

“There is frontal balding and the hair can be described as short and tightly curled,” the report claimed.

Jackson hair line was tattooed on, as were other facial features.

“There is a dark skin discoloration resembling a tattoo on the anterior half of the scalp. There are dark tattoos in the areas of both eyebrows and at the superior and interior borders of the palperbral fissures. There is a pink tattoo in the region of the lips,” observed a corner’s investigator.

The autopsy report also described Jackson, 50, as “thin”, weighing just 136 pounds while being 69 inches (5’9″) in length.

“Jackson was extremely underweight for his frame. Reports indicate he weighed 136 lbs, this could indicate on anorexia,” Gary Brazina, M.D, FACS California told Pop Tarts. “The amounts of drugs given to someone with this body type needs to be closely regulated as a thin or anorexic individual would generally require lower dosages.”

Speaking of which, the corner confirmed that Jackson died of “acute propofol intoxication” however a deluge of other drugs including lorazepam (for anxiety), midazolam (for inducing sedation), lidocaine (a local anesthetic), diazepam (valium) and nordiazepam (for anxiety) were also indentified in blood samples.

Holy crap. Michael sounds like he should have been living in a bubble. If he didn’t have all those tattoos and fake hair, he’d probably look like Gollum or worse, Madonna.