Martin Sheen Wants a Conservatorship, Charlie Could Only Last 3 Minutes

According to Radar, Charlie Sheen’s family wants to Britney Spears’ him. No, not get him pregnant and fat and turn him into a husky shell of his former self. They want a court to grant them a conservatorship over this deviant. A source says they’re worried about his health and that Charlie thinks he can do as many drugs as he wants without consequence. So far it’s true but there’s a 98% chance it might not be.

“Charlie looks awful… he is very, very depressed and feels like the world is going against him. Charlie’s parents are discussing getting a conservatorship of their son. Martin and Janet know that it’s highly unlikely their petition would be granted, but they are trying to do whatever possible to save Charlie’s life.”

Martin Sheen recognizes “that Charlie isn’t rehabbing at home. That term just doesn’t exist. Charlie is calling the shots, he hasn’t surrendered to sobriety, and until that happens, this cycle won’t end. Charlie is absolutely refusing to go to rehab. He is a 45 year old man, and no one can force him to go. That is why his parents are exploring what legal options they have if any to save his life,” the insider told us.

Then we have Kacey Jordan, the porn star with loose lips. She’s in the 5th stage of the Kubler-Ross model, acceptance. She’s finally come to terms that she’s not getting that blue Bentley convertible Charlie promised her and will have to make due with the $30,000 check she was given and squeezing as much money as she can from this story.

First stop, E!, where Kacey told them what sex with Charlie Sheen was like. “It was OK. It didn’t last very long,” she said. “Because he was so f–ked up. When you’re that high… his performance wasn’t very long.”

Kacey says Charlie lasted a solid three minutes. That’s pretty good, right? No? Oh, I meant. Haha, what a loser!

Post coitus, they sat in bed while Charlie held her. “He was sloppy but still functioning, [he] wouldn’t stop kissing my feet. He promised me he’d get me a Bentley.”

There we go with the Bentley again. Just let it go woman. You’re not getting a damn Bentley. Just be glad you even got a $30,000 check and weren’t paid in bricks of cocaine. I won’t even begin to tell you how hard those things are to cash at the bank.