Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker May Have Murdered Someone

If you hadn’t heard, Kai the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker is wanted by the Clark Police Department for possibly smash, smash, suh-mashing a 73-year-old lawyer in the head causing his death (an autopsy revealed blunt force trauma). Reports haven’t identified the connection between the lawyer, Joseph Galfy, and Kai, Caleb Lawrence McGillvary, but police say Kai has cut his hair and is now on the run. Sort of like The Fugitive but a lot more homeless. I’m sorry. Homefree. Police have issued a $5,000 reward for his arrest. He was last seen at a light rail station in Haddonfield, New Jersey. The plot thickened, however, when a user on Facebook called Caleb Kai Lawrence Yodhehwawheh, who could be Kai himself, posted this on his page.

what would you do if you woke up with a groggy head, metallic taste in your mouth, in a strangers house… walked to the mirror and seen come dripping from the side of your face from your mouth, and started wretching, realizing that someone had drugged, raped, and blown their f*ckin load in you? what would you do?

Aw, shoot. I don’t know. Is this a test? I don’t do too well on tests. Ahh, so much pressure. Well, first I’d find a steel loofah and scrub my face and tongue. After about an hour of that, I’d call the cops. Then I’d kick the guy in the nuts while I waited for them to come. And then I’d reflect for a moment and hope to hell that isn’t exactly what happened when he drugged me the night before.

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