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American Apparel’s Pervy Founder’s 9 Messages Rated for Likeliness as Porn Comments

As anyone would have guessed from seeing just a third of an advertising campaign, American Apparel’s founder, Dov Charney, is a perv. After producing porn-like images for the most basic and boring clothing for years, it’s come out that ex-CEO and founder Charney was caught sending sexually explicit texts and emails to his employees. Other telling clues that would have given away his perviness? His name is Dov.

Now that “daddy,” as he liked to be called, is under investigation, his messages to employees are out in the open to be judged, which is exactly what I’m about to do. As follows are his nine messages rated on a 1-10 scale for their likeliness to be a porn comment.

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1. Your ass in that photo is the perfect cum target!

Ohhh, the punctuation here both really increases the weird in this statement while deteriorating the fevered one-handed typing style that accompanies porn comments. (Or at least this is the only way I can imagine someone would comment on a porn. Hitting it with a Roger Ebert moment before or after seems nonsensical.)

7/10

2. Jack off fun for a bad daddy

Yup. Short, sweet, incoherent sentence; this is porn comment perfection.

10/10

3. Should I unload my cock now??? Like a filthy pig?

Again with the punctuation, though this time better with supurflous question marks. It additionally gets points for grossness and using the word cock. You have to also enjoy a porn comment that mysteriously talks to the porn star like the viewer will be heard.

8/10

4. The feeling of your spit dripping down my ass crack would drive me crazy

This one’s weird, contains no punctuation but is incredibly situational. The situational nature is really taking this score down (side note: please feel free to not prove me wrong here.)

6/10

5. I need a phone fuck

I freaking love the idea of this being a porn comment. Imagine, there’s a guy sitting there jacking off when this realization hits him, this realization that more than anything he requires some phone sex. Instead of reaching for his phone and dialing up a hot single in his area he writes his actualization online. In reality, this is not a likely porn comment, girl can dream, though.

3/10

6. I’m jerking my dick for you and telling you how awful and disgusting I am

Again with the talking to the actor, gotta love it. The ending being a preposition is a nice touch; God knows porn comments are more devoid of grammar than a GED class. This guy seems midrange likely.

7/10

7. I like the idea of pulling your hair and fucking the shit out of you as I ride your body like you were a perfect blonde pony

Oh yes, if this were a real porn comment it would break the lead for my favorite, yes I have a favorite. Unfortunately, it’s obscurity is what makes me love it with all my heart. Just close your eyes and take in the mental imagery that comes with this statement! Also, what girl wouldn’t absolutely love being compared to a horse!?

6/10

8. I want baby girl drooooool all over my cock

Weird and confusing, this seems too conversational to be found accompanying an actual porn. The excess o’s are a helpful addition.

5/10

9. Daddy is so excited to play with the most little tiny blonde cum kitten in the whole school

This one has to rank as a fav as well. I like to think if this were a porn comment it wouldn’t be referring to the woman acting, but the viewer’s tiny, blonde-haired junk which he refers to as “cum kitten.” Even with its conversational nature,

9/10

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