Tom Hardy’s Original Myspace Profile as Judged by a Drunken Blogger

Hi, I’m a blogger, I’m slightly drunk, and I’m here to talk to you about Tom Hardy’s old, since deleted, Myspace profile from 2011.

To begin, I am an avid luster of Tom Hardy; he is by no doubt my favorite celebrity, even with his Bronson twirly-mustache I would still do the crap out of him. Recently, the media has made me aware that he had an incredibly douchey Myspace. I would like to impress that it contains severe levels of douche; not for the faint of heart. It is littered with pictures of him that would still deter most women, but I’m here to assess them for the rest of us. Let me rate them on do-ability for the strong willed.

1. K-mart Underpants

Probably one of the highest doable pictures. I mean, his body is doing a great job at deterring my eyes from his quuestionable choice in underwear, sweatband, frayed trucker hat, DIY-caplet t-shirt, facial positioning, and generally the fact he took a down-the-pants selfie for the Internet… a lot of things. lot ofthings. Wait, is he in an office?

2. More Questions Than the Third Season of Lost

Reminds me we’re gonna do it… wait, who took this picture? Why are you wearing a hat? That’s a mirror. (Solid observing skills, me. Thanksme. ) Is this one of those “Bae caught me” photos? Are you sleeping? Honestly, still the most doable.

3. Support The Cleveland Browns

Tighty orangises? Don’t care. Accentuates the man thighs. Wait mustache… whatever, let’s bone.

4. Too Drunk to register the problem.

I;m drunk enough to not habe a problem with this

5. Turkey TOm

making a turkey? I’ll eat it. Literally anything associated with you, ill eat

6. Wiggin out

This wig ruins it for me but, That’s not barring me from ripping it off of you mid coitus – 7/10

7. cab;t think of a good title other than Sex Toy?

I’d be more into that if it was a dildo. I thought it was one. WAIT I WANT ONE OF THOSE BACK MASSAGERS! THEY”RE LIKE 30 BUCKS I”M NOT DROPPIGN THAT!

8. Thighty White Tom

Would I do you in thighty whitetys? I would I would sam I am.

let’s move on to his about me section:

I never lie. If you suck you suck..If you’re good I take my hat off and I’m all over you. I’ll bend over backwards to help anyone of their word.. f**k me around I’ll let it go I’m not here for stuff I’m here to live and give whatever it is I can to nourish rather than to take and move on, I’m course and straight, I act for a living now adopting characters for money, it is a languague I was born into, I always wanted to be someone else, it isn’t rocket science it’s easy, now that I’ve made amends for lying to myself, it is a trade craft nothing more, I pray I don’t get caught up “living the dream.” such a lonely place. having said that; your best like my best just isn’t good enough. ever, no scarface syndrome here, no resting on laurels, there is always work to do, I’ll clean up my side of the street promptly admitting where I am wrong, the work doesn’t stop.

I’m Grateful, arrogant self centred, tenacious, versatile, honest, honourable, loyal, loving, gentle, consistent, reliable, focussed, prideful, passionate and nuts. I have a head like a disco ball, if I say I’ll do something, unless I absolutely can’t it gets done, I never give up on humanity, I love people. I want to see communities stand up, honest and open, flexing to the fullest of their capabilities and combined usefullness. happy. I laugh at bullies. I am reactionary but I have learned to hold my tongue and my trigger finger. Man made mistakes take lives from those that deserve to recover in time, there is always another way forward better even if it is around the side or back, I try to find it. the mind is like a parachute it will only work when it is opened.

i am often afraid. So I have to share.I want to help, it’s not my business to judge, I make mistakes, I stand corrected, I accept casualties and walk with hope because I fucking LOVE. I could so easily be dead. My head is like a dangerous neighbourhood I should never be in it without an appropriate adult. left to my own devices I’ll crash the motor. Religion to me is a neccesssary device for the presence of combined faith, branded for those who want to get into heaven, I have to have faith, but I chose the path of spirituality, spirituality seems to me to be for those who’ve been to Hell. I don’t want to go back there. I am a goldfish walking through a desert. Thank you H.P for my life. I want to work and be useful, be part of the solution and not the problem…

what a load of self satisfied smug and charmless tatter x

Listen, Internat. His about me is ecerything about tom hardy I want to ecist. It is absurd but so acurate. I mean who worldnt feel grateful to run across that profile on tinder?! Long live ToM HARY!

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