Burger King’s Poopgate

Once when I was a kid, my parents bought us green bagels to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day. That night my poop was green. I was terrified and didn’t tell anyone. Now that I’m older and can speak openly about poop, I feel comfortable informing you that Burger King’s Halloween Whopper will turn your poop green.

The unnatural poop hue is caused by the food coloring in the bun and isn’t a big problem, it’s just a little shocking when you don’t expect it. Just ask 11-year-old me! Thankfully now that everyone knows about this side effect we can all safely eat the Halloween Whopper and talk about green poop together.

It’s rare in this day and age for something to happen that really unites the nation. There are so many options in music and media today that it feels like we’ll never all be united over a common love for something again. Well, we all love talking about poop, it’s one of the funniest words and now America can be united again comparing shades of emerald s**t.

I haven’t tried the Halloween Whopper yet, but I have plans to. It’s not the green poop that scares me, it’s eating a piece of bread that looks so severely moldy. And it’s not a great look for the hamburger patty either, looks alright with a sesame bun but up against that black bun it looks pale and weak. For someone who was never able to experiment with the purple or green ketchup of my childhood, the Halloween Whopper is going to be a real experience in growth.