Catholic Church Chides Priest Over Hoverboard Incident

Few things in consumer culture are as bad as the fire-prone ‘Hoverboard.’ First of all, it’s goddamn false-advertizing… the thing does not leave the ground. Second of all, it’s a glorified Segway without the handlebars. The only upside of my sister having one is the joy of watching her fall, but after the first dozen times… it’s old. I’m over it.

So when a Catholic priest rode his hoverboard throughout his Filipino Parrish for Christmas Eve Mass, in a video that subsequently went viral, I was hoping there was something more exciting than a man in an ill-fitted dress riding around on a fucking hoverboard. I was hoping it might be a PSA for not wearing flammable clothing while riding your favorite explosive device.

The Diocese of San Pablo was also displeased. For the first time in my life, the Catholic Church and I have a belief in common. And like I do towards my friends in the middle of a judgmental episode, the Catholic Church made the priest as guilty as possible for his crimes against the eyes of humanity. He allegedly apologized for his viral actions in a statement released by the Diocese:

The priest said that it was a wake up call for him; he acknowledged that his action was not right and promised that it will not happen again.

Thank your God. They went so far as to suspend him! (Further showcasing the Catholic Church has stronger opinions about an electric scooter than child abuse.)

He will be out of the parish and will spend some time to reflect on this past event. He would like to apologize for what happened.

Let him be a lesson for preteens everywhere.

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