Rumors Circulate That Ted Cruz Has Had Sex 5 Times, Obviously Untrue

C’mon, people, Ted Cruz has never had coital relations in his life. He’s tried a few times. He’s gotten into some serious heavy petting, only for his partner to accidentally touch his skin and have it slide off in slick, melty clumps. Nothing ruins the mood quite like that. That’s the real story, let’s stick to it.

But it’s an election year and somehow Ted Cruz thinks he deserves to be president so much so that the idiots of the United States will try to elect him into office. As we all know by now, Cruz is vying for the GOP nomination against bag of human dirt, Donald Trump. It seems like a too much of a coincidence that allegations of extramarital affairs are just now coming to light for the presidential hopeful. Why had they not come out in previous campaigns? Are you telling me, Mr. Slimy Gills here is capable of keeping five affairs secret for any amount of time? Wouldn’t he just ooze them out?

The shitshow that is The National Enquirer first broke the story, citing one of Donald Trump’s former staffers as saying:

These stories have been swirling around Cruz for some time. I believe where there is smoke there is fire.

Seems like a solid train of logic. There’s a lot of convincing evidence pointing to Cruz’s identity as the Zodiac Killer and there’s a whole lot of convincing evidence pointing to Cruz’s identity as the melting effigy rained upon us to steadily liquefy as the Earth’s temperature rises.

Washington Post reporter tweeted cryptically, responding to the Enquirer piece and acknowledged that there was some truth to it.

The two women Johnson names have been all but conclusively identified by Internet sleuths. Per sources:

According to the rumors, a foxy political consultant who once worked for the 45-year-old candidate, and is now associated with another political campaign.

The internet suggests that all signs point to Katrina Pierson, a campaign consultant who worked on Cruz’s 2012 bid for the Senate. She’s currently working as Trump’s campaign spokeswoman.

Obviously, Pierson jumped at the opportunity to deny all claims as no one would ever want to be tied to Ted Cruz in any kind of tabloid scandal. Scandals are supposed to be hot. Not sweaty and scary.

The Enquirer’s source describes the “second woman” as “a pretty 30-ish Washington, D.C., lawyer who works in politics.”

The third woman is described as “‘a hot babe who once worked’ on one of (Cruz’s) campaigns.”

The fourth and fifth women remain are not public figures; the fourth is “a sexy Austin schoolteacher” and the fifth is a “$1,000-a-night” D.C. call girl.

Somehow all of these women are loosely connected to Trump in some regard. It’s not below Trump to sink to attacking Heidi Cruz’s appearance as a qualification for the presidency. why would it be below him to dispatch rumors of sexual exploits that very obviously never happened except in the one string universe where Ted Cruz is not a used bandaid with poop on it?

[Image: Flickr]

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8 years ago

*Facepalms* American politics. Why does anyone care who sleeps with who when deciding who runs the country?