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Dude Bones a Coconut and Gets Disgusting Surprise

Very rarely do I wake up to read something that makes me wish I hadn’t woken up at all, ever, but today was one of those days that made me wish for the sweet release of death. Today it came to my attention that someone posted a story about fucking a coconut to Reddit, in the subreddit r/tifu, or “Today I Fucked Up.”

Now, fucking a coconut isn’t that bad, I guess. The American Pie film series is premised on the conceip that guys will stick their dick in just about anything and that women will pretty much do the same with wind instruments. But this is no normal “I stuck my dick in a coconut” story, because Reddit user and super genius coconutthrowaway69 decided to keep a coconut full of ejaculate (and lubricated with butter) under his bed for a week. Cue the image that will keep me awake at night for months:

About a week and a bit after the initial coconut fuck (I had been using it pretty much every day since then) I begin to notice a few more flies than usual as well as an odd, unpleasant smell about my room. Must be the coconut right? So I decide that I’ll fuck it once more before I throw it out and get a new one.

Worst mistake I have ever made.

You see, the reason for the increased number of flies was that the coconut was evidently, in hindsight, a nearly perfect place to lay eggs. As I penetrate the coconut one last time I begin to feel a strange wriggling sensation. Puzzled, I pull my cock out to discover that it is COVERED in rotted and moldy butter and semen and TEEMING WITH TINY FUCKING MAGGOTS. They were wriggling all over my dick head and some were even trying to force their way up into my urethra.

I screamed, and threw the coconut against the wall which made the situation worse by spilling the contents. Hours of vigorous cock scrubbing, vomiting, and cleaning the remnants were spent reflecting on what the fuck I was doing with my life.

Jesus Christ.

Now look, I have quite a bit of experience with masturbating. And I’m going to give you all a hot tip. If you’re a guy, you can get where you’re going just using your hand. You’ve probably been practicing at it since you were ten, you know the lay of the land. There’s no need to spend money on something like a Fleshlight, and there’s seriously no reason to ever stick your dick in food. It’s just going to end in tragedy and wasted food.

But do you people listen? Of course not. Because after reading this horror story about coconut fucking gone wrong, another Redditor calling himself God-Here decided to go out, buy a coconut, and stick his dong in it because what could go wrong? Here’s what went wrong:

OK so since my parents were at work I decided to cut a hole big enough for my erect dick to fit using a knife. Long story short it took me an hour to do this but it the end I made it. I lubed my penis up and starting pumping it deep, it felt like really good but when I decidd to try to take out my dick out, it got stuck. The thing is I made the fucking hole just small enough but not big enough for my mushroom tip to get out. What made the matter worse is that my erection wasn’t going away and my dick is still stuck in the coconut. Thankfully I managed to break it in half by carefully using a hammer.

He even drew a pic:

That’s not even the bad part. The bad part is that he says the reason he went out and bought the coconut his engorged penis became stuck in because when he read the previous coconut anecdote he “was shocked and kinda turned on (wtf i know)”. He was turned on. By a story that ended in a dude furiously scrubbing his maggot-covered cock clean. You deserved to get your dick stuck in a coconut, God-Here, you’re one sick fruit fucker.

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