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Woman Smuggles 200 Pounds of Bologna Across the Border

Every day, the brave men and women of the Border Patrol protect our country from the sorts of existential threats posed by Kinder Eggs and reimported drugs from Canada, where they’re sold at a price people can actually afford. A few days ago, those national heroes saved us from the horrors that would have been unleashed if a woman had been allowed to bring 23 pounds of bologna across the border.

“CBP is entrusted with enforcing hundreds of laws for dozens other government agencies, such as the U.S. Department of Agriculture, U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, and others,” said CBP El Paso Port Director Beverly Good. “These agencies require that unsafe items are not allowed to enter the United States. CBP officers are always on duty at our ports of entry and assume the responsibility of protecting America from all threats.”

Thank god they stopped this woman from bringing this basically harmless cheap foodstuff into the country. Who knows what could have happened if small amounts of this food people in Mexico eat every day had made its way onto shelves at some retailer. I mean, you know, setting aside the fact that you could until recently buy the exact same brand at Wal-Mart. I think they still have it at Sam’s Club.

This is the Border Patrol equivalent of when cops pose for a picture with like, two pounds of pot and a kitchen scale and say they busted up a major drug ring.

Hey, do you think Trump’s border wall will make it harder to smuggle bologna into the country from Mexico? Maybe we should make it clear so people don’t get hurt when someone throws a mortadella over it?

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