Stormy Daniels Gave Details on Her Disappointing Sex With President Trump

President Donald Trump had sex with adult film star Stormy Daniels like, right after his wife Melania gave birth to his son Barron. And I know you’re thinking about how this reflects on Trump, and we’ll get to that. But first I want you to think about how this reflects on Stormy Daniels. Are you going to be able to take her seriously as a porn star when you know she’s had Donald Trump’s tiny old dick inside of her?

Now to the Donald Trump part of our story. Trump reportedly paid Daniels $130,000 to sign an NDA and not tell anyone about they banged and how he was bad at it when he decided to run for president, and she has denied the affair every since then. But she had given an interview to InTouch magazine before she signed the NDA, which they apparently didn’t think was newsworthy enough to print until now.

What exactly did Ms Daniels tell InTouch?

“I actually don’t even know why I did it, but I do remember while we were having sex, I was like, ‘Please, don’t try to pay me.’”

So not only did she have sex with Trump voluntarily, she did it for free. Maybe what they say about porn stars having no self respect is true.

“When I came out, he was sitting on the bed and he was like, ‘Come here.’ And I was like, ‘Ugh, here we go.’ And we started kissing.” After having sex, Stormy said, “We hung out for a little while and he just kept saying, ‘I’m gonna call you, I’m gonna call you. I have to see you again. You’re amazing. We have to get you on The Apprentice.’”

That’s a sentiment every dude wants to hear before sex. “Ugh, here we go.”

InTouch was skimpy on details because they want you to go to a newsstand and buy a copy of their magazine like it’s suddenly 1993 and people actually read magazines. Thankfully the New York Post had some of the more salacious details.

“[The sex] was textbook generic,” Daniels — whose real name is Stephanie Clifford — told InTouch magazine in 2011. It “was nothing crazy. It was one position, what you would expect someone his age to do.”

That’s kind of disappointing. I was honestly looking forward to someone saying the words “The President of the United States ate a porn star’s ass” on the news. Or at least getting to hear Terry Gross ask someone to explain what a rimjob is to all of NPR’s listeners.

“He told me once that I was someone to be reckoned with, beautiful and smart just like his daughter,” Daniels said.

Yeah, if Donald Trump isn’t having sex with his daughter, he totally wants to. I think they’ve done it, that’s why she calls him daddy.

Also, Trump apparently had a little crush on Stormy, because she also mentioned he kept calling her a few times a month trying to stick it in again. We’ve all been there, Donny, we’ve all been there. I can’t even get Bailey Jay to return my calls, much less have boring sex that leaves her entirely unfulfilled, so at least you’ve got that going for you.