Don’t Ask Rihanna About the Royal Wedding

Good news Royal Wedding fans, it’s only a week until the world watches The Working Actress marry Obergruppenführer Harry. The spectacle of it all! I’ve heard from reliable sources that Harry will be wearing a traditional suit and tie and not a Nazi officer’s uniform, much to the disappointment of The Sun’s editorial staff.

Not in attendance at the wedding will be Rihanna, because why would she be? Apparently Access thought she might be because she had met Prince Harry once. Meghan Markle’s family isn’t going but maybe this singer is, right?

Rihanna makes a good point, having met someone once doesn’t mean you’re going to be invited to their wedding. My girlfriend once bumped into Lucy Lawless on the street, but Xena isn’t coming to my hypothetical wedding. Which is unfortunate, when I was younger I always imagined my wedding night would involve Xena in some way.

Also not in attendance will be Meghan Markle’s father, so why the hell would Rihanna be there? Markle’s father was slated to give the bride away, but he’s unable to travel after having a heart attack last week. Under normal circumstances you’d delay a wedding when that happens, but that isn’t really an option when the entire nation of Great Britian is involved.

Access will be sending reports out all week asking random people if they’ll be in attendance at the royal wedding. I hear that Hugh Laurie and Prince Harry once shopped at the same Sainsbury’s, so maybe he’ll be invited.

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