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Lily Allen’s Brother Once Talked to Princess Diana About His Dick

Penises are more trouble than they’re worth on the best of days. Sure, they’re fun to play with, but the sheer amount of maintenance that goes into them isn’t a worthwhile trade-off. I’d wager that as genitals go, a penis is the second-worst kind to have. Given a choice, I’d go with a cloaca. You get one hole that handles everything, it’d literally cut your cleaning time in half.

One of the worst things about penises is that if you’re not careful with them they can get caught in your zipper. If you think a little bit of teeth scraping against it during a blowjob is unpleasant, imagine having your foreskin crushed between dozens of tiny metal teeth. It’s not something you would do by choice.

You know what the worst place to get your dick caught in your pants is? At the world premiere of a movie just before you met Princess Diana. But that’s exactly what happened to Game of Thrones star Alfie Allen when he was five. According to his sister Lily’s new memoir, titled My Thoughts Exactly, Alfie was crying and when Lady Diana asked him what was wrong, he told her, “I’ve got my willy caught in my zip.”

No wonder Lily wrote a song about what an embarrassment he is.

Maybe it was just practice. Years later, Alfie got his big break in the role of someone who had his dick cut off on Game of Thrones, a show with lots of royalty in it. It was the role he was born to play.

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