A Japanese Man Spent 2 Million Yen on a Wedding to a Hologram

Do you know who Hatsune Miku is? It’s okay if you don’t, because Hatsune Miku isn’t a person, it’s the name given to a Vocaloid sound bank, Vocaloid being a program that simulates a singing voice. Hatsune Miku is one of the most popular sound banks, and somewhere over 100,000 songs have been written for it. She was even a guest on The Late Show with David Letterman.

Yes, in addition to not being real, Hatsune Miku is a 16-year-old hologram. But neither of those things stopped Akihiko Kondo from spending two million yen on a wedding for the fictional singer. The Japan Times had details on what is maybe the saddest wedding ever.

Around 40 guests watched as he tied the knot with Miku, present in the form of a cat-sized stuffed doll.

“I never cheated on her, I’ve always been in love with Miku-san,” he said, using a honorific that is commonly employed in Japan, even by friends.

“I’ve been thinking about her every day,” he said a week after the wedding.

Since March, Kondo has been living with a moving, talking hologram of Miku that floats in a $2,800 desktop device.

“I’m in love with the whole concept of Hatsune Miku but I got married to the Miku of my house,” he said, looking at the blue image glowing in a capsule.

Normally this is where I’d make a joke, but I just really want to see what this 143rd trimester abortion of a man has to say next.

In the evening, when he tells her by cellphone that he’s coming home, she turns on the lights. Later, she tells him when it’s time to go to bed.

He sleeps alongside the doll version of her that attended the wedding, complete with a wedding ring that fits around her left wrist.

This fucking dude is whipped by a hologram of a teenager. Luckily, he’s the only person in the world who would do something this embarrassing, right?

And Gatebox, the company that produces the hologram device featuring Miku, has issued a “marriage certificate,” which certifies that a human and a virtual character have wed “beyond dimensions.”

Kondo’s not alone either: He says Gatebox has issued more than 3,700 certificates for “cross-dimension” marriages and some people have sent him supportive messages.

Oh, well then. This reminds me of those incels only instead of going on a shooting spree they hump a tiny anime doll. I guess that’s a lot better. I’d rather listen to ‘Triple Baka’ on a loop than hear some dude regurgitating Jordan Peterson talking points and going on about “Chads” and “Beckys” for even one second.

And ‘Triple Baka’ is a really annoying earworm. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to my Sailor Jupiter body pillow like a dignified human being.

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