Swift in a Box

Back in 2017, there was a weird theory that Taylor Swift was secretly being transported via suitcase. As in, that she was literally crawling into an actual suitcase and being transferred from Point A to Point B.

Hahaha, what fantastical imaginations people have! Can you imagine the absurdity of a nearly six-foot-tall woman cramming herself into a piece of luggage? Oh, the ludicrous stories people come up with! Hahahaha….oh, boy.

So, it just came out today that Taylor Swift does indeed travel inside her own luggage. And in case you think that this still just a crazy, unfounded rumor, here’s what Zayn Malik had to say during his Vogue UK interview:

“She [Taylor Swift] was traveling around in a suitcase.”

This, Malik said, was Swift’s way of avoiding the paparazzi. So yeah, it sounds like Taylor Swift’s transportation secret it out! And Mother of God, do I have questions!

Were there air holes in that suitcase? I can’t see any in the pictures. How is she breathing in there? How long does she stay in the suitcase for? And how does she get out? Does her crew have to let her out? Or is she able to Houdini herself out on her own?

This is extreme even by celebrity standards. This woman has an arsenal of jacked bodyguards, I don’t know what else someone could want. Honestly, what the hell kind of mindset are you in when you stuff your 5’10” body into a piece of luggage? It sounds damned painful to emerge out of a fucking carry-on bag. All I can think about is The Office finale when Angela couldn’t even walk down the aisle on her wedding day because Dwight’s deranged cousin locked her in a trunk the night before.  Well, it’s hard to say what Taylor will try next now that the world knows about “Boxed Swift.”

But there’s one question that’s bugging me the most about this whole scenario. Just something I’m really dying to know. Who out there thinks that Taylor Swift’s bodyguards tell her to stay in the suitcase a little longer than she has to when they’re annoyed with her? Just to have some peace and quiet for a little while? Seriously, if Swift starts getting pissy or demanding, I wonder if the guards tell her, “Nope, sorry, Taylor. Looks like the paparazzi are still lurking around. Better stay in there for another thirty minutes.”

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