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The Golden Globes’ Winners and Losers

By January 7, 2019

The Golden Globes are the most prestigious award money can buy, and they happened last night. The ceremony ran for a tight twelve hours, making it the shortest show in Golden Globes history. In addition to the Fiji Water girl (named Kelleth Cuthbert) who used the red carpet as her opportunity to break into show business like Kristen Schaal on 30 Rock, they also gave away award statues to movies and TV shows no one has ever seen.

Here’s a look at the winners and losers of the night.

Winner: Olivia Coleman

I remember Olivia Coleman mainly as the woman who was mainly a prop in British sketch comedy show That Mitchell and Webb Look, so it’s really great to hear she’s become the sort of serious, dramatic actress that can win a Golden Globe for comedy.

Loser: Black Panther

It was not a good night for Black Panther or people who think Black Panther is going to win the Best Picture Oscar (it isn’t). Not only was the film completely shut out of winning even a single statue, but director Ryan Coogler was completely gobsmacked when Andy Samberg brought up the Black Panther Party members, clearly not wanting his film’s message of “the US government are the good guys, they just need more black people to give them more powerful weapons” to be out-woked by the “Dick in a Box” guy.

Winner: People Who Watched Bob’s Burgers Instead

Over on Fox, there was an all-new episode of Bob’s Burgers, Lorenzo’s Oil? No, Linda’s. Linda and Gayle almost got suckered into a pyramid scheme selling essential oils while Bob and Teddy move a bed for an old man. Those are some situations just waiting for comedy to happen. Also it was only half an hour as opposed to the Golden Globes which couldn’t manage to fit all their joke into the allotted three-hour run time.

Loser: Things People Like

Awards shows hardly ever give awards to things people like, and tonight’s Golden Globes were no exception. While the Emmys and the Oscars are mostly voted on by Academy members, meaning actors give other actors gold statues for being such good actors and everyone pretends it somehow impacts their lives in some way, the primary criteria for a Golden Globe is what producer or agent bought the most tickets to the Hollywood Foreign Press Association ball.

Did you know you not only have to be an entertainment journalist to vote on the Golden Globes, you also have to live in Southern California? This is why all the winners are films that opened in six theaters in West Covina or TV shows with a 99% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes and an audience score of “Hunh? I’ve never heard of this because I don’t get Yorba Linda Public Access 9.”

So congratulations to Green Book and The Kominsky Method. You win an internet point if you knew which one of those was a movie and which one was a TV show without looking it up.

Winner: Christian Bale

Not only did Christian Bale get the award for Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical for Vice, he said “Thank you to Satan for giving me inspiration on how to play this role” about playing Dick Cheney, whom he also called a “charisma-free asshole.”

Loser: The Guy Who Defended Dick Cheney on Twitter

Of course, conservatives were so outraged about this they took a short break from claiming Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is a secret millionaire because she paid an extra $2 for the 3D screening of Black Panther to take to Twitter and defend the architect of the most colossal military clusterfuck in American history who shot a guy in the face while he was Vice President.

Yeah, Larry, and there are people who think The Last Jedi was better than The Empire Strikes Back. People are wrong about s**t all the time.

Winner: Jeff Bridges

Jeff Bridges was given the Cecil B. DeMille Award, apparently an award for whoever smoked the most weed in the parking lot behind the awards ceremony.

Seriously, there’s 500 people in that room looking at him thinking “what the f**k are you talking about dude?” and that fucking rules. I feel like if he had more time he’d have really gotten into how the government knows the truth about aliens or something.

Loser: Everyone Who Attacked a 15-year-old For Liking a Movie

Elsie Fisher, the 15-year-old star of Eighth Grade, liked that an actor and a movie won an award.

Isn’t that cute? The general reaction from social media is “Oh, we got this little cunt now, let’s fucking destroy her for liking something we’ve decided is bad.”

Seriously Twitter? You made a teenager apologize for liking a movie. Are you happy? Have you made the world a better place?

I’d like to say that if I say anything problematic and you want to tell me about it, I don’t care, I don’t want to grow or better myself. I hold you in only slightly less contempt than I hold the people who are always popping by to tell me I need to “learn the real truth” about how homeopathy is real or whatever.

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