Angelina Jolie Could be in Marvel’s ‘Eternals’, So What are the ‘Eternals’?

As Marvel heads into the post-Thanos chapter of their cinematic universe, they’re looking to give one of their upcoming films a boost with the star power of Angelina Jolie, which seems like a good idea until she adopts Rocket Raccoon and baby Groot or starts walking around with a vial of Chris Pratt’s blood around her neck. How did she even get it? Chris says he didn’t give it to her. Nonetheless, Variety reports that Marvel is in talks with Jolie about a role in their upcoming Eternals film.

Details about the movie and what character Jolie would play are being kept under wraps. Created by Jack Kirby in 1976, the story of “The Eternals” is set millions of years ago when the cosmic beings known as the Celestials genetically experimented on humans to create super-powered individuals known as the Eternals along with the villainous Deviants.

We’ll get to who and what the Eternals are in a second, because I need to wrap my head around why Marvel is moving forward with this movie at all after the Fox merger. You have the X-Men and the Fantastic Four now, you don’t have to keep doing movies based on comics that have published less than one issue per year since their creation that no one has thought about for even a second in the past decade. The one upshot to Disney having the final say on every facet of entertainment was supposed to be that we finally get good X-Men movies other than Logan and Deadpool. I wouldn’t have to do an explainer on who the X-Men are because they’re one of the most recognizable brands in comics.

The Eternals are basically proof that even a true genius of the medium of comic books like Jack “King” Kirby can’t bat 1000 and that even Neil Gaiman can’t salvage every lame comic book character from the golden and silver age. Kirby returned to Marvel and basically tried to pick up where he left off with The New Gods at DC, but ultimately failed to create characters as memorable as Darkseid and Mister Miracle.

But who are they? Well, we’ve already met one Eternal in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Thanos. He probably won’t be in the Eternals film because he wasn’t one of the characters created in it by Kirby, he just got tossed in with them at some point after the fact. The basic idea of the book is that all the mythological gods on Earth like the greek gods, the gods of the Inca Empire, Atlantis, etc. were all based on the epic battles of the immortal Eternals and their enemies the Deviants and that they, along with humans, were created by the Celestials. We’ve already met a Celestian, as well, Peter Quill’s father in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 was one.

So yeah, they’re probably going to go with Gaiman’s story, because they can flash a big credit on screen that says “Based on a story by Neil Gaiman.”

The main character was Ikaris, who could fly and you get where this is all going right? There’s basically nothing salvageable in this book, which lasted 20 issues. Ikaris’s alter ego is Ike Harris. That’s like Clark Kent changing his name to Sue Perman. Neil Gaiman tried his hand at fixing things, starting after most of the Eternals had their memories erased by fellow Eternal Sprite, an immortal 11-year-old who was mad that an Eternal called Sersi wouldn’t sleep with him even though she’s a huge slut. Angelina Jolie will probably play Sersi.

Oh, and there’s an Eternal called Makkari who goes by Mark Curry. Remember when everyone thought it was so cool that Thor used all of Kirby’s (admittedly awesome) character and costume designs instead of trying to downplay their comic book roots? Well, not every idea he had was as good as The Warriors Three’s costumes.

So yeah, they’re probably going to go with Gaiman’s story, because they can flash a big credit on screen that says “Based on a story by Neil Gaiman.” The only problem is all the conflict in that story is based around an immortal little kid trying to age few years so he can get his dick wet.

Although we did get this possible synopsis from That Hashtag Show last year that pointed in trying to salvage Kirby’s original story, which features 100% fewer evil horny 11-year-olds and therefore seems like a much safer bet for Disney.

The story of ‘THE ETERNALS’ is set millions of years ago when the cosmic beings known as the Celestials genetically experimented on humans, creating the super-powered individuals as well as more villainous off-shoots known as Deviants. The two groups went on to battle each other throughout history to see which would eventually become the ultimate race. The story involves the love story between Ikaris, a man fueled by cosmic energy, and Sersi, who relishes moving amongst humans.

Marvel really wanted to push the Inhumans and later the Eternals as replacements for the X-Men, but there’s no replacing the X-Men. Also, again, you own the X-Men now. Just make an X-Men movie. You don’t need to keep proving you can make a billion dollars on any concept as long as you play the Marvel fanfare at the beginning; you’re allowed to make movies with characters people like now. Also, drop the “The.” Be cool like Gilmore Girls or Pixies.