Emma Watson Prefers to be Called ‘Self-Coupled’ Rather Than Single

One of the best things about celebrities is how they think they’re profound, deep thinkers when they’re actually mostly morons. Kanye West and Gwyneth Paltrow are probably the first people who come to mind, but there’s really no bottom to the well of ignorance among the celebrity class.

Take Emma Watson for example. She’s famous for playing Hermoine Granger, a caricature of social activists, as well as her real life where she plays a caricature of a social activist. At the end of the day, though, being an actor requires specific skills and intellect is not among them. This is probably why Watson told Vogue that she refers to being single as being “self-coupled.”

And my aunt Linda calls herself a “cat mom” but we all know that she did not give birth to those cats.

I get it though, I usually self-couple once or twice in the morning before I take a shower.

“Cut to 29, and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, I feel so stressed and anxious. And I realise it’s because there is suddenly this bloody influx of subliminal messaging around. If you have not built a home, if you do not have a husband, if you do not have a baby, and you are turning 30, and you’re not in some incredibly secure, stable place in your career, or you’re still figuring things out… There’s just this incredible amount of anxiety.”

If it’s staggering to think that Watson worries about this stuff, it’s comforting, too. “I never believed the whole ‘I’m happy single’ spiel,” she continues. “I was like, ‘This is totally spiel.’ It took me a long time, but I’m very happy [being single]. I call it being self-partnered.”

More importantly, what brain parasites are celebrities getting that make them say these things? Like when Gwyneth Paltrow said her divorce was a “conscious uncoupling”. No one talks like that. It doesn’t make you sound smart, it makes you sound like a dick.

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