Cuba Gooding Jr.’s Lawyers Argue Having Small Boobs Makes Women Crazy

By James Sainte-Claire August 13, 2020

I think that boobs are good. All boobs. Big boobs, small boobs, medium boobs, uneven boobs… I do not care. They’re all great. Brie Larson’s are the best, but other boobs are good, too.

Cuba Gooding Jr.’s lawyers, however, are clearly fans of big boobs and big boobs only, because they’re trying to argue in court that having small boobs makes you deranged.

Here’s what the legal team argued, viz TMZ. Keep in mind this is a real thing that actually happened.

The actor and his legal team appeared in a Manhattan courthouse Thursday for a preliminary hearing in his trial, and things took a strange turn when one of his attorneys argued a woman’s negative feelings about her breasts can directly affect her perceptions of reality … specifically when it comes to sexual assault.

Now, some context — the attorney, Peter Toumbekis, raised this because one of Gooding’s accusers once blogged about women’s self-esteem and body issues. It seems he used her words as a jumping off point for his theory … but it’s a risky, if not straight up offensive, legal maneuver.

I have seen some whacky legal arguments in my time, but I think “having small boobs makes women so crazy that they can’t tell if they’ve had their ass pinched by a celebrity” might take the cake. Luckily for Gooding, his team only trotted this argument out to a judge in the pre-trial.

There’s an old saying on the internet: flat is justice. Cuba might become really familiar with that phrase if they try using this defense in front of the jury.