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Piers Morgan Issue’s World’s Least-Scary Threat to Burglars Who Robbed His House

I don’t know how Piers Morgan still has a career because if you ask any British person what the think about him, the reply is going to start with “Oh, that cunt?” Somehow he does have a career as a television presenter, though, and he makes enough money doing it that people would want to rob him.

Morgan was recently burgled, though, and Page Six reports he had some hilariously impotent threats for the robbers that weren’t actually fooling anyone into thinking he could make good on them.

“I got burgled on my last night,” the former “America’s Got Talent” judge said of his vacation home in St Tropez in the South of France.

“Bunch of thieves in the bedroom as we slept … Some disgusting scumbag little burglar creeping around my bedroom in the middle of the night,” he recalled while hosting the UK News show “Good Morning Britain.”

“And yes, I will find you. It will make ‘Taken’ look like a tea party,” he said of Neeson’s movie, where he tracks down his daughter’s kidnappers.

“I’m serious. We’re gonna find you … we’re on to you,” he vowed.

Unless I missed the part of Taken where Liam Neeson runs tens steps and starts panting then doubles over out of breath, I can’t see him making it look like a tea party. I can see him make Taken look like Hard Boiled, which is a much more impressive action film in contrast to what I can only imagine is Piers Keystone Copping around for a few days and then shaking his fist at the sky.

I think that the only hope Piers actually has of finding these people himself is if he gets really lucky and they left a voicemail to a recently-deceased celebrity giving their names and locations.

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Paul J McRae
Paul J McRae
18 days ago

Now, now, Piers. calm down. Have a profiterole and join Niles Crane on the couch as you buy a freshly-ironed NYT and try the double-crostic in PENCIL this time.
That Y chromosome just bugs the hell out of you, doesn’t it?

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