Backstage at Live Earth, Madonna demanded reporters never break eye contact while interviewing her. Also forbidden were questions regarding her marriage to Guy Ritchie, her stolen Malawian baby and Kabbalah, the religion that eats Malawian babies (unconfirmed).

“Eye contact must be maintained at all times,” interviewers were told, according to the London Mirror. “Never look down to check notes – all questions must be memorized or the interview will be terminated.”

That’s pretty tame, but creepy all the same. Are we gonna make out or something? Because this is what usually happens before I stick my tongue down a girl’s throat. But, Jesus, look at the banner picture above. I don’t want to kiss that thing. She looks like a zombie or that witch from Hansel and Gretel. Is she going to kidnap me? Ahh! Get away. I’m not a black baby!