At the Venice Film Festival for his new movie The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, an eager fan made her way past security and lunged for Brad Pitt. Security quickly pulled her off and led her away where she was seen grinning from ear to ear.

“It was a scary moment,” one witness said of the instant Pitt fall into the arms of the woman, who beamed even as the actor’s security goons yanked her off him. “[Pitt’s] security team must have been embarrassed that she was able to get that close to him,”

Damn security. All she wanted was a lock of his hair or at the very least, to dry hump his leg. Is that too much to ask? A world where a crazed fan can’t dry hump a celebrity’s leg without being pulled off by burly security guards is not a world I want to live in.

Meanwhile, Brad Pitt has expressed interest in having a fifth child.

“It makes me much more efficient,” he says, “because that’s the main focus. It makes me feel when I do have time to work, I really do have to focus because there is a really short window to get something done. I am quite pleased by it all.”

He’s also more efficient because child labor laws don’t apply to your own kids. You just say they’re doing “chores”. I mean, really, have you ever had 4 kids pull you in a cart? It’s so damn slow. Five kids should speed things up a little and maybe now he won’t be late for work. Especially if he uses a really good whip. Not like those cheap ones from Walmart.

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