Jennifer Aniston

Using mathematical witchcraft, Forbes concluded that Jennifer Aniston’s face is more likely to sell a celebrity weekly than any other celebrity’s face.

We looked at the newsstand sales of the six leading celebrity weeklies– People, Star, US Weekly, In Touch Weekly, Life & Style and OK!–over a six-month period ending June 30, as supplied by the Audit Bureau of Circulations. We eliminated all non-celebrity and collage covers as well as special issues with exceptionally large rate bases. Then we counted how many more–or less–issues the celebrity’s cover sold, as compared with the magazine’s average newsstand sales. Next, we factored in the number of full covers a celebrity graced. Finally, we ranked his or her consumer appeal using data from Encino, Calif.-based polling firm E-Poll Market Research to rule out flukes.

Candace Trunzo of Star has a simpler explanation as to why Aniston sells.

“She’s the classic wronged woman,” says the editor. “I think that most women can relate to and empathize with someone that was so in love with a man who, in an incredible Hollywood twist, leaves her for his co-star in a film.”

This is surprising because when I see her face on a magazine I would rather put my fist through it than buy it. That’s why I’m no longer welcome at any Vons in SoCal.* Why would anyone want to read about her. Jennifer Aniston is boring and despises the little people. I would know because one time I asked her to have sex with me and, get this, she said “SECURITY!” What a bitch. What does that even mean?! Does she have tourettes or something?

* Don’t believe the stories you hear of a strange man punching out magazine racks while yelling “We. Are. SPARTA!” They’re all lies.