David Copperfield

According to The National Enquirer, one reason for the reported $2 million found in his warehouse is that David uses it as hush money. A friend of the alleged victim tells the rag that David invited the 21-year-old victim to a lavish party in the Bahamas only to find out upon arrival that it was a party of two. Feeling uneasy at first, Copperfield convinced her to stay until the next day. The illusionist, armed with the knowledge that women love surprises, then had surprise sex with her. Surprise!

That night, Copperfield forced himself on the woman, holding her arms “down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises,” the friend charges.

“She told me she fought back,” the friend says. “But she said that just seemed to turn him on more.”

“After Copperfield had finished with her and left to clean off, the young woman had the presence of mind to use her cell phone to take photos of the crime scene,” according to the tab. “In order to preserve physical evidence, she says she didn’t shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle, where her mother met her at the airport.”

“They drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a ‘rape kit’ on her,” the friend told The Enquirer.

Poor David. He can make the Statue of Liberty disappear, but not a rape charge. This guy is worth millions yet he has to trick women into going to the Bahamas. He can learn a thing or two from Criss Angel. Criss has been with women like Cameron Diaz and Britney Spears. Sure, it’s like sleeping with Dumb and Dumber, but, uh, wow, this “magicians get quality tail for free” lecture isn’t turning out the way I had hoped.