She’s beautiful on the inside…

FADE IN:

INT. CEDARS-SINAI HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

A scream pierces the maternity ward. Ben Affleck holds up a misshapen object with a heartbeat. Jennifer Garner lays unconscious on a hospital bed. Doctor William Thompson has a hand on Ben’s shoulder.

BEN (O.S.)

But..but..we are BEAUTIFUL! How could this be ours?!?

DOCTOR WILLIAM THOMPSON (O.S.)

It is God’s test. We must love the sick, the downtrodden, the poor. Blessed are those that seek beauty within.

Doctor William stifles a laugh.

DOCTOR WILLIAMS (cont.)

What am I saying??!?! My sympathies. That baby will be good at math though.

Ben falls to the ground, arms raised to the heavens and emits a howl filled with pain and torment.

FADE OUT.

— Captain Swarthy

Editor’s note: Captain Swarthy isn’t all bad. He’d like to offer this addendum as a peace offering. Under the cut of course.

What happens when pretty, vain celebrities have ordinary looking kids. Jennifer Garner just might know. My prediction: This kid Violet will excel at math and science. Her bedroom will be decorated with blue ribbons from the rotary club. She’ll hear “you have a nice personality” more times than she can count. Friends will set her up on countless blind dates. “You just HAVE to meet her. She’s perfect”.

One day though, she’ll put away the headgear. That face will develop and, just like the ugly duckling, she’ll grow up to be one hot chica. AND she’ll have a personality to match. So really, my advice is, seek out the ugly ones because they’ll be really grateful.