Britney Spears

Britney Spears is being investigated for “multiple child abuse and neglect” allegations. Very few details have surfaced regarding the nature of the investigation, but one can speculate it has to do with Britney putting Sean and Jayden in the oven while she takes the turkey out to deep fry it. Why? Well, duh. The oven is hot and she needs both hands.

In a request to unseal parts of the case file, an attorney for the Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services wrote that there are concerns about the safety and welfare of the two toddlers, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, if they are left in their mother’s care.

Once Sean and Jayden learn to walk without falling face first into a pile of half-eaten drumsticks and thighs after 10 steps, they should run. It doesn’t matter where to. It could be into the loving arms of adoptive parents or into oncoming traffic. They’ll be better off with either. Staying with Britney will doom them to a life of obesity and social retardation. That’s only if they live long enough to survive being used as live bait for those delicious bald eagles Britney has to eat after spending all her money on frappucinos.

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