Madonna loves excess

Madonna really loves Kabbalah. So much so that she needs to spend $10,000 a month on blessed Kabbalah water. The special water, which some leaders claim can cure cancer and AIDS, goes for $5 a bottle and she makes sure there’s plenty of it on hand.

A source close to the singer told America’s In Touch Weekly magazine: “Madonna drinks a lot of water – that’s one of her fitness secrets. And Kabbalah water is the only stuff she will touch. “She also makes sure she always has some to hand, and has it regularly shipped to wherever in the world she is staying at the time.”

A description of the blessed water on kabbalahwater.com reads: “The Kabbalistic blessings and meditations that are used to create Kabbalah Water bring about elegant and balanced crystalline structures in water, while negative consciousness has an opposite effect.

“This is hugely important. In a very literal way, Kabbalah Water is life’s original blueprint information brought into the modern world.”

I did the calculations and at $10,000 a month at $5 a pop that makes Madonna a giant dumbass. No sane person spends $10,000 a month on water. That’s 2,000 bottles a month. For a five person family like she has, everyone would have to drink 13 bottles a day. That’s impossible. Does she bathe in it too? That could explain why she looks the way she does because there’s a good chance the Kabbalah Center is just putting Brita filters on their septic tank and waving their hand over the processed liquid while muttering some indecipherable incantation like “Heh, fucking losers.”