Heidi Klum

What do these two have to do with the Oscars. 100 fantasy points if you can tell me why.

5:30: Jon Stewart is making jokes. I think I’m supposed to laugh, but how can I laugh when I just dropped my ice cream cone?

5:40: Oh, political joke. Zing!

5:41: Katherine Heigl is hungry.

5:43: Someone won for best costume design for Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Since no one cares, her speech only lasted 30 seconds. Jennifer Garner looked kind of hot.

5:50: They’re doing replays of Oscars for the past 80 years. Boring. Ellen Page is only 21?

5:52: Anne Hathaway has fantastic breasts. Steve Carrell is the new Will Ferrell. Beating his character to death.

[Intermission] What the hell? I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Hopefully this will be over by then.

6:12: What did I miss? Who is this guy? Why is Johnny Depp blowing kisses to him? Gayyy.

6:15: Nice montage. Guess what Cuba Gooding Jr. is doing today. This, this and this.

6:18: Javier wins. Jennifer Hudson looks sad to hand over the Oscar. It’s okay Jennifer. The statue isn’t made of chocolate.

6:24: “Jon Stewart is supposed to be funny?” Quote my friend.

6:26: Is… is that Jamie Foxx playing the piano?

6:28: I hope Owen Wilson doesn’t try to kill himself. That would be awkward.

6:31: Is Seinfeld still promoting this movie? Oh, god. And did he just say pubis?

6:33: Good job screwing up the name. I hope you have your resume prepared.

6:37: It looked like Ruby Dee didn’t even know she was nominated. Either that or someone sliced a penis in the reel.

6:39: Tilda Swinton won for best supporting actress. Listening to her sexualize the Oscar award and then hitting on George Clooney was disturbing.

6:45: Someone decided to have Jessica Alba give the scientific award. Now that I think about it, it still makes no sense at all. She’s hot though.

6:47: Best adapted screenplay. Coen brothers for the win. With any luck, this will wipe The Ladykillers from everyone’s mind.

6:53: I like how they make Miley Cyrus come out to modified circus music. I also like how she sounds like a 30-year-old trapped in a 16-year-old’s body. What is this performance? What’s happening? Is that guy supposed to be the token Jamaican?

7:01: Polite laughter as Jon Stewart makes baby jokes. No laughter whatsoever from me. You fail, Jon.

7:03: The Bourne Ultimatum won an award for sound editing. They basically showed a bunch of guys grunting. They could have just edited the movie with audio from gay porn. In fact, I think that’s what they did.

There’s more sound awards? Holy crap. And The Bourne Ultimatum won again. See above.

7:10: Marion Cotillard. Good job girl I never heard of from movie I’ve also never heard of. Wow. Is she thanking people or describing her last sexual experience? Someone is in you? What?

7:18: How cute. Jon Stewart thinks Colin Farrell is still relevant and Colin Farrell thinks he’s funny. Great. More music.

7:28: Jesus H. Christ. Renee Zellwegger looks like She-Hulk.

7:32: The camera panned to Cameron Diaz while Nicole Kidman was presenting and it made me a little queasy. True story.

7:36: Best part of the night. The old guy giving his own eulogy.

7:43: The Counterfeiters. Best Foreign Film. Also known as Films No One In America Has Ever Heard Of. Does anybody find it weird this guy gives a mischievous grin whenever he mentions the Nazis? “Nazis.” Tee-hee.

7:49: That’s a lot of Botox. I’m pretty sure Best Achievement in Music is John Travolta’s favorite category because, you know.

Amazing. Enchanted was nominated three times. If Enchanted doesn’t win, I will laugh. Bwahahha. Once won.

7:53: Steven Spielberg is describing how he went through menopause after winning for Schindler’s List. Too much information dude.

7:58: Markéta Irglová gets a second chance to speak. You can thank women’s rights for that.

7:59: I have to assume Jon Stewart was being sarcastic when he called Cameron Diaz talented and beautiful. It’ll probably the funniest thing he’s said all night.

8:00: Robert Eswick wins Best Achievement in Cinematography for There Will Be Blood. I drink your milkshake, Robert! I drink your milkshake!

8:09: I thought we already went through a bunch of sound awards? What gives? Anyway, Atonement wrestled a sound award from the tenacious grip of The Bourne Ultimatum.

8:15: This is what I imagine lesbians are like. Except Cynthia Wade isn’t. At least she made it sound like she wasn’t. Confused.

8:24: Harrison Ford’s earring makes him look 20 years younger. No, really. And Diablo Cody wins the award for Best Writer. She used to be a stripper exotic dancer. Don’t worry about forgetting that little fact. You’ll be reminded of it a few hundred more times this week.

8:31: Helen Mirren creeps me the fuck out.

8:34: Daniel Day-Lewis wins for There Will Be Blood. I drink it up.

8:42: Martin Scorsese has a caterpillar growing over his eyes. The Coen brothers win another Oscar. Jerks!

8:46: Denzel Washington: Thug Life! Those bastards won another one. Coen brothers win Best Picture for No Country for Old Men. They should make a joke about how tired they are of standing. Then Paul Anderson can rush the stage and try to beat them up.

8:48: The Oscars are over. I feel empty. I am, however, comforted by the fact Paris Hilton wasn’t there.

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