R. Kelly

Yesterday, R. Kelly’s former assistant claimed to be 110% sure it was her boss in that sex video and identified the girl who was said to be 13 or 14 at the time. Today, prosecutors are bringing in a witness to testify that she had a three-way with R. Kelly and the same girl and that she was also a minor when her tape was made.

Testimony by the woman, a single mother from Atlanta, was among the evidence discussed in secret hearings in April before Judge Vincent Gaughan. The judge closed those hearings to the public and put multiple court filings under seal because, he said, he wanted to minimize pretrial publicity.

R. Kelly should start picking out drapes for his new prison cell and also get crackin’ on that shiv because I hear inmates don’t take too kindly to people who have sex with children. Although, there is one way out of this. An ace R. Kelly has had up his sleeve for a while. His plan? Find a time machine to go back and not film himself having sex with a minor. But, wait, what’s this? Time machines don’t exist? Nooooo!