Madonna & Guy are over

Marking an end to their marriage, Madonna has paid Guy Ritchie up to $92 million in their divorce settlement. The judge had to pry the check from the Cryptkeeper’s cold, dead hands and then had to tell Guy to stop jumping up and down on the table like a monkey.

The sum mainly consists of Guy and Madonna’s English country estate, Ashcombe, valued at around $30 million. Madonna’s lying publicist, Liz Rosenberg, says custody of the children has not been finalized. However, rumors are circulating that the ice queen is attempting to buy enough time to be able to harvest her kids’ souls. Their delicious, youthful souls.