Jon and Kate

Us has “shocking” and “exclusive” (two very important key words) pictures of Jon leaving Legends Lounge at 2 in the morning with an unidentified woman. His wife, Kate, was in Washington promoting her book Eight Little Faces. People who like to jump to conclusions (me) speculate that their marriage is over. Kaput!

The dad of 8 — kids are twins Madelyn and Cara, 8, and 5-year-old sextuplets, Aaden, Joel, Collin, Hannah, Leah and Alexis — was overheard yelling, “Hey, babe! Babe! Give me my jacket!” before climbing into his Nissan Nismo. (She complied.) As cameras began snapping, he panicked, urging his female friend to “get in the car!” before speeding off hastily — without even turning on the headlights.

Jon emailed Us with a statement. Feel free to read this in a panicked voice:

“I went to Legends to speak to the owner. A friend of mine wanted to check out my car, so I let her drive it to her car,” he says. “Yes, I have female friends — but that is all she is. I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV.”

See? A simple misunderstanding. His friend, a female, wanted to check out her car so he went to pick her up to let her drive his car to her car at 2 a.m from a club. It’s a perfectly rational and non-confusing explanation. Jon doesn’t know why people are getting huffy. To be more clear, he sent another statement:

“Like most people, I have male and female friends and I’m not going to end my friendships just because I’m on TV,” Gosselin said. “However, being out…late at night showed poor judgment on my part. What makes me sick is that my careless behavior has put my family in this uncomfortable position. My family is the most important thing in my life and it kills me that these allegations have hurt them.”

Gosh. He left out the part about the girl wanting to see his car. Wasn’t that the most convincing part? That’s like leaving the B out of a BLT sandwich.