The Daily News says that the reason Anna Kournikova didn’t participate in Sunday’s Malibu Triathlon is because her womb has become infected with Enrique Iglesias’ demon seed which has been growing inside her for the past two months. As many know, Kournikova used to be my imaginary girlfriend, but we suffered a much publicized break-up because she stopped wearing bikinis to the beach. Megan Fox then became my new imaginary girlfriend. Consequently, this isn’t as hard on me as you’d have thought.