Matt Damon Moving to Australia to Escape Rednecks, Racists, and Incompetent Right-Wing Government

Matt Damon is unhappy with Donald Trump’s presidency and Page Six reports that the star is apparently moving to Australia to get away from it. I don’t think Matt Damon has done his homework because Australia elected Tony Abbott, a less competent version of George W. Bush, to be prime minister in 2013, until his own party threw him out and made Malcolm Turnbull prime minister. As prime minister he’s seen his deputy prime minister be forced to resign due to not being eligible to hold elected office and he’s continued to imprison refugees in inhumane conditions on Manus Island. But hey, he didn’t badmouth Chuck Todd so everything should be fine.

A source exclusively tells Page Six: “Matt’s telling friends and colleagues in Hollywood that he’s moving the family to Australia” because the activist actor disagrees with Trump’s policies. The president’s frequently butted heads with liberal Hollywood A-listers including Meryl Streep. The source added, “Matt’s saying the move will not impact his work — as he will travel to wherever his projects are shooting. He’s also telling friends he wants to have a safe place to raise his kids.” Damon has four children with wife Luciana Barroso.

I assume the whole “school shooting” thing is probably informing this decision, probably more than Trump. That has to be what he means by a “safe place to raise his kids” because otherwise everything in Australia is constantly trying to kill everyone that lives there. They have syphilitic bears that live in trees, spiders the size of SUVs, sharks in pretty much every body of water on the continent and the real danger, bogans as far as the eye can see.

Let me give you an idea of what life in Australia is like. Last August an Australian teenager made headlines when he went for a swim in Melbourne and emerged from the water bleeding profusely from his legs, bleeding that just wouldn’t stop. When I was talking to my Australian girlfriend about it, I said it was horrifying and she said “Oh, it’s just some sea lice, harden the f**k up, he’s fine”.

Australia is a beautiful country filled with wonderful people, but safe is the last thing I would call it. The dingoes really did eat that baby, you know. That’s a thing that happened, Meryl Streep didn’t make that up. The fact that people are moving from America to Australia to keep their children safe really proves just how massively our politicians from both parties have failed us in the States.