ESC

Elisha Cuthbert isn’t doing it for me

Elisha Cuthbert

Elisha Cuthbert was extreme eye candy during the first season of 24. Then she moved up her hotness in The Girl Next Door where she played a porn star with a nice ass. Things were looking up for this girl and my penis was pleased.

Now what’s she doing? She stopped showing up on 24 and hasn’t had a decent movie in years. If she was on my team and we were playing 5 on 5 sexy basketball, I would have to bench her until she got a new haircut which wasn’t half woman half bowl. Then I would give her an inspirational speech, but she would just give me some dopey stare. I would realize that it was up to me so I’d rip off my shirt exposing my chiseled body while everybody sat in awe. I would then step in to clinch the win, receive the MVP award and tell children to “Be cool, stay in school”. Yep, that’s me. A selfless warrior admired by all.

Note: Elisha received Paris Hilton’s autobiography and Paris Hilton’s perfume from her co-star Paris Hilton for her 22nd birthday. I wonder what confusion mixed with a lot of disgust would look like.

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