Half-blogging the Oscars

What do these two have to do with the Oscars. 100 fantasy points if you can tell me why.

5:30: Jon Stewart is making jokes. I think I’m supposed to laugh, but how can I laugh when I just dropped my ice cream cone?

5:40: Oh, political joke. Zing!

5:41: Katherine Heigl is hungry.

5:43: Someone won for best costume design for Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Since no one cares, her speech only lasted 30 seconds. Jennifer Garner looked kind of hot.

5:50: They’re doing replays of Oscars for the past 80 years. Boring. Ellen Page is only 21?

5:52: Anne Hathaway has fantastic breasts. Steve Carrell is the new Will Ferrell. Beating his character to death.

[Intermission] What the hell? I’ll be back in 10 minutes. Hopefully this will be over by then.

6:12: What did I miss? Who is this guy? Why is Johnny Depp blowing kisses to him? Gayyy.

6:15: Nice montage. Guess what Cuba Gooding Jr. is doing today. This, this and this.

6:18: Javier wins. Jennifer Hudson looks sad to hand over the Oscar. It’s okay Jennifer. The statue isn’t made of chocolate.

6:24: “Jon Stewart is supposed to be funny?” Quote my friend.

6:26: Is… is that Jamie Foxx playing the piano?

6:28: I hope Owen Wilson doesn’t try to kill himself. That would be awkward.

6:31: Is Seinfeld still promoting this movie? Oh, god. And did he just say pubis?

6:33: Good job screwing up the name. I hope you have your resume prepared.

6:37: It looked like Ruby Dee didn’t even know she was nominated. Either that or someone sliced a penis in the reel.

6:39: Tilda Swinton won for best supporting actress. Listening to her sexualize the Oscar award and then hitting on George Clooney was disturbing.

6:45: Someone decided to have Jessica Alba give the scientific award. Now that I think about it, it still makes no sense at all. She’s hot though.

6:47: Best adapted screenplay. Coen brothers for the win. With any luck, this will wipe The Ladykillers from everyone’s mind.

6:53: I like how they make Miley Cyrus come out to modified circus music. I also like how she sounds like a 30-year-old trapped in a 16-year-old’s body. What is this performance? What’s happening? Is that guy supposed to be the token Jamaican?

7:01: Polite laughter as Jon Stewart makes baby jokes. No laughter whatsoever from me. You fail, Jon.

7:03: The Bourne Ultimatum won an award for sound editing. They basically showed a bunch of guys grunting. They could have just edited the movie with audio from gay porn. In fact, I think that’s what they did.

There’s more sound awards? Holy crap. And The Bourne Ultimatum won again. See above.

7:10: Marion Cotillard. Good job girl I never heard of from movie I’ve also never heard of. Wow. Is she thanking people or describing her last sexual experience? Someone is in you? What?

7:18: How cute. Jon Stewart thinks Colin Farrell is still relevant and Colin Farrell thinks he’s funny. Great. More music.

7:28: Jesus H. Christ. Renee Zellwegger looks like She-Hulk.

7:32: The camera panned to Cameron Diaz while Nicole Kidman was presenting and it made me a little queasy. True story.

7:36: Best part of the night. The old guy giving his own eulogy.

7:43: The Counterfeiters. Best Foreign Film. Also known as Films No One In America Has Ever Heard Of. Does anybody find it weird this guy gives a mischievous grin whenever he mentions the Nazis? “Nazis.” Tee-hee.

7:49: That’s a lot of Botox. I’m pretty sure Best Achievement in Music is John Travolta’s favorite category because, you know.

Amazing. Enchanted was nominated three times. If Enchanted doesn’t win, I will laugh. Bwahahha. Once won.

7:53: Steven Spielberg is describing how he went through menopause after winning for Schindler’s List. Too much information dude.

7:58: Markéta Irglová gets a second chance to speak. You can thank women’s rights for that.

7:59: I have to assume Jon Stewart was being sarcastic when he called Cameron Diaz talented and beautiful. It’ll probably the funniest thing he’s said all night.

8:00: Robert Eswick wins Best Achievement in Cinematography for There Will Be Blood. I drink your milkshake, Robert! I drink your milkshake!

8:09: I thought we already went through a bunch of sound awards? What gives? Anyway, Atonement wrestled a sound award from the tenacious grip of The Bourne Ultimatum.

8:15: This is what I imagine lesbians are like. Except Cynthia Wade isn’t. At least she made it sound like she wasn’t. Confused.

8:24: Harrison Ford’s earring makes him look 20 years younger. No, really. And Diablo Cody wins the award for Best Writer. She used to be a stripper exotic dancer. Don’t worry about forgetting that little fact. You’ll be reminded of it a few hundred more times this week.

8:31: Helen Mirren creeps me the f**k out.

8:34: Daniel Day-Lewis wins for There Will Be Blood. I drink it up.

8:42: Martin Scorsese has a caterpillar growing over his eyes. The Coen brothers win another Oscar. Jerks!

8:46: Denzel Washington: Thug Life! Those bastards won another one. Coen brothers win Best Picture for No Country for Old Men. They should make a joke about how tired they are of standing. Then Paul Anderson can rush the stage and try to beat them up.

8:48: The Oscars are over. I feel empty. I am, however, comforted by the fact Paris Hilton wasn’t there.

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13 years ago

This is actually hilarious. I am actually watching the oscars just to read your play by play!

13 years ago

13 years ago


Is it just me, or have the Oscars become SO boring..The show is just…tiresome.

13 years ago

they’re there because heidi designed the gift bags and because victoria’s secret is a sponser

13 years ago

Ha you’re hilarious! Never thought I’d follow anyone’s blog…but ever since the excellent job you did on Edison Chan updates, I’m hooked!! YOU’RE A GENIUS!! Maybe you’ll get to host the Oscar’s next year and revamp the whole show???!!!

Herman B
13 years ago

lol. i see a lot of red wine on the red carpet, heidi and . . . prince seal.

yep. i’m a part of that p funk too.

13 years ago

fucking slut!!!!!!!!

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