Heidi Montag is honest

Heidi Montag’s playboy spread is about as interesting as dirt, so I skimmed through it and highlighted the (barely) interesting parts for yours truly. I know. I’m expecting that Nobel Prize in the mail any day now.

“You know, I was never very sexual before I met you, Spencer,” she tells Spencer, who interviews her for the issue. “I knew what sex was, but when I met you I entered into a whole new realm of understanding, from fantasy to love. Or to experience a day with 20 or 30 orgasms. Before you, sex was just something that happened. Now it’s something I look forward to every minute of the day.” [Us]

20 or 30 orgasms. Right. I love how casually she threw that out, just like being at the market and picking up “two or three” tomatoes. Heidi Montag has roughly about “20 or 30” orgasms a day. Now, I’m not sayin’ she’s a liar, but if I was having sex with Spencer Pratt it’d take more than the half-hearted thrustings of his pale, weak body and a prayer to get me even remotely close. She looks forward to sex with this guy every minute of the day? I bet she does! Why wouldn’t she? I’ll tell you why. Having sex with Spencer Pratt is roughly equivalent to, oh, I don’t know, any of the following:

• getting herpes
• bathing an old person
• dropping an anvil on your foot
• being buried alive
• milk
• cereal
• toilet paper

Oops. Kinda bled into the grocery list there. But you get the point.