Elin Nordegren will get that $750 mil

Update: TMZ says it’s nowhere near that amount as Tiger isn’t even worth that much. Although, the real number is still a nice chunk of change.

That $750 mil divorce settlement that Elin Nordegren will reportedly get? It’s real. It also comes with one major stipulation. That Elin keep her mouth shut even after Tiger dies. That means no interviews, no tell-all books or TV appearances about his cheating ways for all enternity. Other provisions include Tiger not being able to have his whores hang around his two kids. Unless they’re married. In addition,

Elin gets to keep their $4.5 million house in Windermere, Fla., plus an apartment in Stockholm and a farm nearby. Tiger gets the $75 million Jupiter, Fla., estate, and his $3 million apartment in LA. “Everything’s signed,” a pal told the Sun, adding that the paperwork will be finalized in Orlando within a week. Elin will get physical custody of the kids, but both parents will get to make decisions about their futures. Tiger will get to see them for up to half of each week.

For $750 mil, a $4.5 million house, an apartment in Stockholm and a farm, I’d not only keep my mouth shut, I’d tell all of Tiger’s new whores that he’s a great lover and the best sex I’d ever had. Then I’d hold my hands really far apart to show them how big Tiger’s penis is. Then I’d light a cigar with a $100 bill and order my 5-year-old servant boy to fetch me my 200-year-old Scotch.