Congrats to Tiger Woods. Eleven years later, he won his 5th Masters today, trailing only Jack Nicklaus by one.
It’s been so long since he’s won any majors, we’ve almost forgotten the greatness of Tiger.
But let’s review a timeline of Tiger, shall we?
We see another side of Tiger Woods on Thanksgiving weekend 2009. That’s when he crashed his Cadillac Escalade while supposedly high on painkillers and his then-wife Elin Nordegren chases him with a golf club. Why? Because Woods was boning Rachel Uchitel.
She’s got 22k followers, go bump it up by one.
This marks the moment Tiger is on the decline and we realize he’s sticking his willie into people not named Elin.
Soon after his joyride gone wrong, women start coming out, saying Tiger boned them too. Rachel, you are not alone. One girl named Jaimee Grubbs said she boned him for 31 months straight on the side.
Grubbs is engaged now, so unless you’ve won a couple of championships, she’s probably not breaking those marriage vows for you. Two other women besides Grubbs came forward too with voicemails and texts. Then the flood gates opened. Kalika Moquin, Jamie Junger, Cori Rist, Mindy Lawton. Even porn star Holly Sampson.
Lawton said Woods picked her up at the Blue Martini bar. She told The Daily Mail all he wanted was to sleep with her. Wow, what did you think he wanted?
A few weeks later, Woods supposedly gets admitted into Central Health Hospital for breathing troubles. Admissions chart lists it as an “OD”. Not surprising with all that sex he’s having. All that sex and trying to keep it under wraps will really mess with your body.
Since National Enquirer digs up everything, they revealed Woods may have had an awesome, oh sorry, “lurid” sex tape.
To make matters even worse, the 33-year-old sports star is reportedly worried that a lurid sex tape could appear and wreck his desperate attempts to cling onto the wreckage of his marriage to beauty and ex-model Elin Nordegren who has just bought a $2 million mansion in her native Sweden as a fail-safe escape house in case the marriage disintegrates.
To this date, we have not seen it. Conspiracy? Locked in their secret celeb sex tape safe? Who knows.
After much “soul searching”, i.e. how am I gonna bang all these girls on the low now that you blew my cover??, Woods quits golf.
He wrote on his website at that time:
After much soul searching, I have decided to take an indefinite break from professional golf. I need to focus my attention on being a better husband, father, and person.
He had to give his dick a breather.
Realizing Tiger’s dick is filthy, Tiger’s wife, Elin Nordegren, says byeeee. One source at the time said Nordegren isn’t one of those “‘stand by her man’ women,” meaning this prenup got me covered. Imma about to get paid! Oh, also this wasn’t good for the son and daughter they had at the time.
This all takes place not even a month after Tiger’s crash.
In 2010, after quitting golf and seeing his wife divorce him, Woods enters sex rehab. He ends up in Hattiesburg, Mississippi at the rehab program. He does not bone anyone while there.
Probably 4 months after crashing his car high on painkillers, quitting golf, getting his cover blown on all those mistresses and going to sex rehab, Woods recovers fast enough to enter the 2010 Masters. Quite the turnaround. That sex rehab and apology looks like standard PR nonsense. Basically, he laid low, waited for the dust to clear, then went back to golf.
So begins the comeback.
Woods finds another blonde woman to bone. Just carrying out god’s plan. The two obviously have the sports connection. Woods makes it official on Twitter:
Just posted some pictures of @Lindseyvonn and me on Facebook http://t.co/XZwEvmsaXn
— Tiger Woods (@TigerWoods) March 18, 2013
Nevermind the marriage, check out Vonn’s Instagram, so hot.
After three years, Vonn and Woods call it quits. No mistress this time. No one chased anyone with a golf club. Sounded like an amicable split, which is so boring. Where are the groupies???
Besides his golfing achievements, this may have been one of the high points in Woods’ history. He dressed up as Mac Daddy Santa. Shirtless, sunglasses and a Santa hat. Not sure what he was thinking. He might have been high.
And here we are today. A thousand random hookups, two high-profile breakups and countless pills later, Tiger Woods is your 2019 Masters champion.
Welcome back Tiger!