Ashton Kutcher Will Make Less Than Charlie Sheen

Charlie Sheen earned a base pay of $1.25 million an episode for Two and a Half Men which ballooned to $2 million after factoring in profit and participation but he threw it all away because he’s a big f**k-up. Now his job goes to Ashton Kutcher, who will not be playing Charlie Harper, by the way.

This works out for CBS in two ways. First, Ashton will bring in a younger demographic (read: people under the age of 50). Second, they get to pay this guy much less. Relatively. Reportedly between $625,000 and $900,000.

Sure, less than Charlie Sheen, but he’s still being overpaid. For people like Ashton, I always like to start my negotiations at the low end. Usually I offer them a Twinkie and go from there.

The interesting part is how they’ll write Ashton in and Charlie out. Based on the amount of animosity between show creator Chuck Lorre and Sheen, I expect Charlie’s character to be killed in a fiery car crash that only happened because he was masturbating while driving past an elementary school. Ashton will be the hero who discovers Charlie’s hidden stash of kiddie porn.

And how lucky is Ashton? By dumb luck he just landed a starring role in the number one comedy on TV. The only way his life could get any better is if Demi Moore made friends with Scarlett Johansson and they both blew him. At the same time.