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Jessica Biel Never Identified With Girls

In the latest issue of W Magazine, Jessica Biel says she’s never identified with girls. Which is weird because I assumed she was a prissy chick always gossiping about the 350 pounds she can bench, how she wrecked some guy in a pickup football game last weekend and how HGH makes her feel young again.

“[The first movie I remember seeing was] The Goonies. I never identified with girls, and the cast was all boys. Girls were nervous about going into caves; they were scaredy-cats—and I wasn’t into that at all. I loved the idea of being with a crew and having an adventure. I was really interested in pits full of snakes.”

I’m guessing she had more guy friends than girls as a kid because, for whatever reason, most young girls don’t find it endearing when you tell them to “grow a nutsack.” But her personality probably had more to do with her dad wanting a boy.

We lived in Colorado, and my parents were outdoorsy mountain people. My father would always say, “Go out and don’t come back until you have something to show me.” Which meant he wanted me to come back with a scraped knee or an injury. When I went out to play, I felt like I’d better get hurt.

I actually think that was a hint she should go out and kill a deer with her bare hands so they could eat but kids suck at reading between the lines. Not that her entire childhood was tomboyish though. She did have Barbies.

I did, but it was always, “Let’s play sex with Barbies!” My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic. My parents were so cool—they saw it as a form of self-expression.

Ok, nevermind. I stand corrected. At least her upbringing led to a healthy appetite for sex which you can see in the quote above and the three selected out of context quotes below.

I’ve always been physical. I have no concept of what life is like without physical activity.

In truth, I like doing anything that requires breaking a sweat.

That’s going to be my new thing: Go dark and unhealthy. It’s time to be very, very bad.

Sex with Jessica Biel would be exciting and terrifying at the same time because you know at any moment she could fracture your penis with her vise-like vagina grip from those years of kegel exercises.

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