Jessica Biel was on Letterman the other night and warned everyone woman about going to spas in the Swiss Alps. Her story was a harrowing tale of survival and redemption. One in which she was sandwiched between two old, fat, naked Austrian men with their balls hanging out.

“Older, husky men — they were naked and I’m in the middle of them!” she said. “I look over and I realize, yes it is confirmed, there are balls on wood! Not just naked, but balls on wood Dave! I was so stunned … I just laid there sandwiched in between these [guys]. We found out later this is very normal.”

I’ve had nightmares like this. Wait, nightmares or fantasies. I can never tell which one of us is screaming in my dreams.