The Crazy Things Famous People Say: Tila Tequila, Kanye, R. Kelly Edition

Celebrities are a weird people. They live in a bubble that distorts their reality causing all common sense to go out the window. This happens to regular folk as well but it seems this condition of “what the hell are you saying, is you crazy?!” is more prevalent among the famous. The crazy was especially strong this week when Tila Tequila, Kanye West and R. Kelly started diarrheaing from their mouths.

On December 7, the Illuminati put Tila Tequila on their hit list because she found out the real reasons behind the deaths of Elisa Lam and Paul Walker. Lam was the girl who was found mysteriously dead at the bottom of a closed off water tank. Walker is the dude from Fast & Furious who died after his friend lost control of his Porsche and crashed into a pole. Posting to Facebook (obviously), she wrote.

I know who killed Elisa Lam. The Mysterious Video of the Girl in Elevator [ed. note: video here]  who ended up “mysteriously dead” at the bottom of a closed off water tank. – I believe I am the only person on this entire planet who knows what happened. I knew it the first time news of the strange video started circulating the internet weeks ago. I have just kept my mouth shut because there is a lot more to it and of course…. cases like this.. I just did not want to draw any attention to myself but I know exactly why they did it and yes it was indeed a ritualistic murder. Just like Paul Walker’s. However, for Lam’s case I have so much detail that it may blow your mind. I know it blew my mind and that’s why I was debating on weather or not I should blog about it as I did not want to have anything to do with it… except for the fact that this ritual murder was directly linked to my ritual murder last year….. So… kinda makes it hard for me to talk about, but …….

In a way, this sounds like an infomercial. Like those ones that used to run for L. Ron Hubbard. I would very much like to subscribe to her newsletter.

Kanye West tried to outdo her with his “George Bush oil money, Obama no money” statement. Speaking to Charlamagne Tha God, he said Obama can’t make moves because he doesn’t have the Jewish oil connections. Cause he’s black, you see.

“Man, let me tell you something about George Bush and oil money and Obama and no money. People want to say Obama can’t make these moves or he’s not executing. That’s because he ain’t got those connections. Black people don’t have the same level of connections as Jewish people. Black people don’t have the same connection as oil people.

“You know we don’t know nobody that got a nice house. You know we don’t know nobody with paper like that we can go to when we down. You know they can just put us back or put us in a corporation. You know we ain’t in situation. Can you guarantee that your daughter can get a job at this radio station? But if you own this radio station, you could guarantee that. That’s what I’m talking about.”

Man, Kanye has it all figured out. That secret Jewish cowboy George Bush could only make moves because of his connections with the oil barons. How many black people know other black people with nice houses. I mean, apart from Lamar Odom and pro-sports players and Russell Simmons, Diddy, etc. Besides them. Who they know?! Also, does anyone notice Kanye almost breaks into a rap at the end there? That was the only interesting thing about this rant.

Kanye West also compared rapping to war. Much like Tom Cruise compared acting to war in his deposition.

Yeezus made the statements to Saturday Night Online this weekend, saying rapping is very dangerous work — “This is like being a police officer or something … or like war or something.”

“You’re literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.”

You’ll probably laugh at this, but Kanye’s right. Much like a police officer, he also has to carry protection. But instead of strapping on a bulletproof vest, he straps on a condom to make sure the groupies that throw themselves at him don’t get pregnant. They’re uteruses are like loaded guns.

Oh, but R. Kelly has something to say too. Did you think this crazy-off was over? No, not even close because R. Kelly compared Chris Brown to Martin Luther King, Jr and Jesus. He told the Guardian’s G2 Supplement that he feels sorry for Chris Brown having to deal with the haters as he tries to “better” himself.

“I only feel sorry for weak people,” he told the Guardian’s G2 supplement. “And mostly what I’ve come to find is that the weak people are the ones that are the haters.

“The ones that’s talking about Chris Brown, or R. Kelly, or anybody that’s successful? I feel sorry for them, not Chris Brown, because he’s obviously one strong individual to be able to do what he’s done.”

”He got knocked down a little bit and he climbed up. You know, that sounds like Ali to me. That sounds like Martin Luther King to me.

“That sounds like a lot of the greats that have walked this earth. It even sounds a little bit like Jesus to me.”

Chris Brown punched Rihanna in the face for our sins so we didn’t have to. Though that might be too long for a bumper sticker. How about WWCBD. What would Chris Brown do? *Cocks fist back in anger*