Mariah Carey Didn’t Win Any Billboard Awards Last Night, but Her Cleavage Could Their Own Billboard

Mariah Carey, still sticking around, eh? She started a two-month residency in Las Vegas that doesn’t seem to be going well. Carey evidently didn’t rehearse enough and thought that she could coast on her vocals. She must’ve forgot that she’s 45 and 45 is not 25, meaning she’s not gonna hit those high notes without a little warmup.

Also, she’s a fat, stationary panda bear because “she hardly walks during the show. They’re always wheeling her out on some prop..” Sounds like someone else we know.

Carey showed up at the 2015 Billboard Awards and at least had this dress going for her. Her boobs may already be playing their own game of Slinky, but through the power of illusion, they look like they don’t need any help to stand on their own.