ESC

Usain Bolt Survives Assassination Attempt by Half-Man, Half-Machine Merchant of Death

We almost lost the fastest man alive. Let that sink in for a second. Okay, carry on and continue reading. Usain Bolt blew the competition at the World Athletics Championships in Beijing. Oh, my bad, blew AWAY. Bolt finished first in the 200-meter run, ahead of nemesis and ex-doper, Justin Gatlin. Bolt had a fairly easy run, even easing up before the finish line.

He didn’t have as much luck avoiding a death machine sent to destroy him though. When he crossed the line, a robot, surely sent from a country with less fleet-footed competitors, went straight for Bolt’s legs.

Supposedly, this was an ‘accident’. But conspiracy by the Chinese? Hmm…. The Chinese need to do better than this. None of their competitors even finished in the top eight of the competition. They’re gonna be like an old person who accidentally presses the gas pedal when they start gunning down a bunch of runners before the Olympics.  It’ll be like Nancy Kerrigan times 10.

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