Beyoncé Pulls Out of Coachella to Be Pregnant in Peace

Good. Coachella sucks. All these rich white granola fucks pay to go out there in Native American headdresses and take molly. They could do all that anywhere in the world without directly helping to fund the Coachella CEO’s personal crusade against queer people and women.

Yeah, he one of those.

Don’t fret, granola fucks, Beyoncé is only cancelling this year because she’s pregnant AF, and will be back to headline for Coachella 2018: The Rise of Christian Sharia Law.

From E! Online:

“Following the advice of her doctors to keep a less rigorous schedule in the coming months, Beyoncé has made the decision to forgo performing at the 2017 Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival,” read a message posted on Coachella’s Facebook page. “However, Goldenvoice and Parkwood are pleased to confirm that she will be a headliner at the 2018 festival. Thank you for your understanding.”

Pregnant twerking for two hours outside for a bunch of mayo fucks ain’t worth it. Take care of your million dollar fetus, Bey. While we aren’t sure exactly how far along she is, she looks far along enough that performing two sets at Coachella would totally suck for her.

While Beyonce’s replacement has not been announced yet, Radiohead and Kendrick Lamar are still gonna play, which is honestly cool as f**k.

Goddamnit, Coachella.

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