Local Hero Wants Confederate Statue Replaced With Missy Elliott Statue

Statues are a big deal in America for the first time…ever. Thanks, Trump.

In Portsmouth, Virgina there’s a confederate statue because of course there is. Locals rallied around the statue over the weekend and wanted to take it down, but decided to peacefully protest so a bunch of Nazis didn’t come out and run them over.

The mayor said he plans on moving the statue to a nearby cemetery so he can hang out with the rest of the Nazis.

But what statue should be resurrected in place of a likely slave owner?

Yes. 100 percent. Yes.

Nathan Coflin, the latest man to out himself as a hero, wants to put up a Missy Elliott statue. His logic is flawless: Missy is from Portsmouth and she’s never once owned a slave. Bam. Those should be the requirements for local statues. “Are you from the place where the statue will reside?” “Have you ever owned a slave or committed mass murder?” If the answers are “yes” and “no” in that order, congratulations, you’re allowed to have a statue.

Missy Elliott is one of the greatest rappers of all-time. She gave us “The Rain” and “Work It”. Both tracks are far more important pieces of history than whatever that one confederate guy did however many years ago. He rode a horse and lost a war, right? Yeah, who cares. Putting it down, flipping it, and reversing it will live on forever.

The petition currently has 24,000+ signatures . If that random dude on the internet can get millions of RTs for free Wendy’s nuggets, we can definitely get this petition up to 100,000 signatures. This is our time, internet. Unite and ensure that Missy Elliott gets a statue in her hometown.

In the words of Nathan, “Missy is all of us. Missy is everything the Confederacy was not.”