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Sarah Jessica Parker’s Staff Demands Include How Hard Her Children Should Blink

Sarah Jessica Parker, the real-life inspiration for Netflix series Bojack Horseman, seems like a real joy to work for. Michelle Collins, former host of The View, claims to be friends with someone who does work for Parker, and read some of the e-mails she sent to her staff as part of her Magic Mich XXL show at the UCB Theatre in Chelsea last Wednesday.

Page Six had some of the details, and they are well worth reading.

In the emails that Collins, 36, claimed were written by Parker herself, the actress, 52, instructs staffers to refill a tiny 1.75-ounce container of Vaseline with a small spoon or knife for her children’s use. She stresses that the refill jar not be too big (so as to not clutter the house), and that the cutlery used to handle the Vaseline must be hand-washed using a paper towel followed by a cycle in the dishwasher.

I don’t even… What? She does have a 14-year-old son, is this meant to regulate how often he masturbates? Why is the size of a Vaseline container an issue? Is the kid going to just go nuts whacking it and die of dehydration given access to a full 13-ounce jar of Vaseline? I’m not sure that’s even possible, because I made it through my teen years alive and well, if not slightly chaffed.

But for those looking for a shortcut, no such luck. Parker insists the staff not buy multiples of anything and instead prefers them to check the levels of each product daily, replacing only once the product has completely run out.

Is there a name for being the opposite of a hoarder? I guess it’s fine to run out of things every day if you’re not the one who has to trot to the store to pick up a single roll of toilet paper, a tiny container of Vaseline and the new Horse & Rider for Matthew Broderick.

Collins also claimed that when the New York City-based family was plagued with pinkeye, Parker sent the team instructions on how eyedrops should be administered, including how hard the children should blink.

Okay, so she’s just insane. Maybe she hit her head in a dressage accident when she was younger. It would explain why an afternoon getting slightly darker made her come.

Another email Collins read from features the family’s shopping list for Taco Tuesday, which included “Whatever meat goes in tacos.”

To be fair, you can make tacos from a variety of meats, but she probably means beef and just doesn’t know any food words other than oats. Are these “Sarah Jessica Parker has a face like a horse” jokes getting too esoteric? Too played out? Well, don’t worry, I have a feeling that the next time she walks into a bar the bartender is going to say “How the hell can you expect your nanny to regulate the force with which your children blink, you maniac?”

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