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Morons Eating Tide Pods Have Now Ruined Pizza

People are still eating fucking Tide Pods. How did this become a thing? I know little kids might mistake them for candy because they’re so colorful and whatnot, but adult humans who know that they’re laundry detergents are eating these things. It’s so bad that Rob Gronkowski made a PSA about not eating them.

Maybe this PSA would have been more effective if they didn’t get the dirtiest player on a team full of cheaters to do their commercial. I hope Gronkowski eats a dozen Tide Pods and chases them with a few cups of bleach.

Still, the real problem is still people eating Tide Pods. In general, I don’t care, because if you want to act this dumb then you get what you deserve. And yes, that includes potentially dying. As long as they do it before they reproduce, I think it’s a net positive to humanity when the sort of person who would eat laundry detergent for social media clicks removes themselves from the gene pool.

But when your juvenile idiocy starts affecting pizza, well, then it becomes my business. And that’s what’s happened as one New York City pizzeria announced a new Tide Pod-inspired pizza called a “Pied Pod,” according to the New York Daily News.

“Maybe kids will eat these instead of something poisonous,” said Sean Berthiaume, the owner of Vinnie’s Pizza in Williamsburg and Greenpoint. “I mixed food coloring into the mozzarella cheese and make them swirl.”

Williamsburg and Greenpoint. That explains so much about this story. Why don’t you take your gentrified hipster meme pizza bullshit and fuck off back to Austin? I hate you and I hate the people who want to buy this crap. And by the way, they look disgusting.

I would rather eat an actual Tide Pod than that abomination, which means I’m sure the hipster trash in Williamsport are probably lined up around the block to overpay for these tiny little pizza nuggets that look like someone puked on them.

“I conceived this as a way to entertain our followers online. Now people actually want them,” he said. “They sold out immediately . . . Now they’re made to order.”

Nick Roesthley, 31, who manages the Williamsburg pizzeria, said two pods go for $5.

Nailed it. You know what one of the best things about New York City is? There are dozens of places you can go to get a huge slice of the best pizza you’ve ever had in your life for about a dollar. So why on Earth would you ever want to eat this garbage?

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